First Inhale
by JapFreaky
Summary: Smoking was when one put the cigarette between one's lips, lit it with a lighter and then breathing the smoke in before exhaling. He had seen Seishirou do it many times. He wasn't smoking, no. One-shot. Post-bet.


**Looks like I'm still alive in the TB/X fandom. Yay. Okay, actually I have another story that deals with Subaru and his smoking, but I don't really know where it ended up. And then, like yesterday, I was chatting with Sei-chan-1999 about him smoking, and then when I was about to turn in for bed, I somehow got the urge to write, and I ended up sleeping at 2. ._. Well.  
**

**I think I've been influenced by my time in my other fandom because I think my writing style has changed. (Has it?) *not sure if it's needed but puts a disclaimer anyway**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Sumeragi Subaru or any other characters in this world, not even this world, and I feel sad about that. If I own Subaru, he would have a conclusion, whether sad or happy.  
**

* * *

_He stares at the white package._

_What is he supposed to do now?_

"_Um, is there something wrong?" The cashier's worried voice filters through the empty store._

_By the door, the raven snaps his head back to look wide-eyed at the guy shuffling awkwardly at the counter. He doesn't reply._

"_U-Uh, you could return the cigarette pack if you don't want it anymore?" The unspoken '_it's probably better for you too'_ lingers in the air._

_He flinches. Shaking his head wildly, he stammers out a thank you and bolts out of the door._

.

Rain beat down loudly on the glass windows. The wind was howling.

He sat on his bed, back against the sparse wall with a leg propped up on the bed while the other dangled over the edge of the bed. He stared at the rectangular package by his pillow.

The plastic hadn't even been taken off yet.

What should he do now?

.

_Hokuto hates smoking._

_In public, when she sniffs the slightest waft of nicotine, she openly shows the disgust on her face. Her usually vibrant face gets contorted in disgust, and a hand grabbing his as she pulls him away, most of the time into the nearest classy restaurant as she grumbles under her breath. There's always a small smile on his face when she complains to him afterwards about exactly how selfish people of Tokyo are, smoking absolutely everywhere, even though he will end up apologizing to the people in the restaurant for causing a commotion._

_When Seishirou smokes, she pulls a face and lectures him on the cons of smoking, going about how it's bad for his health and how she isn't going to forgive him when they get married and ends up dragging her dear brother into that nasty habit. "Bad influence!" She will say, throwing her hands in the air, "But that doesn't mean that I won't support the two of you! Leave it to me to get Obaa-chama's approval!"_

_Soon enough, Seishirou doesn't smoke in front of them anymore, and Hokuto is satisfied. Though, occasionally, when he comes to meet them for lunch, she will lean across the table before pulling back with a frown. "So that's where the smell is coming from! I can't believe you're still smoking, Sei-chan!"_

_The older man will give a good-natured smile. "Old habits die hard, Hokuto-chan. It's already a progress that I can contain myself in front of you two!"_

"_Nasty habit! Bad influence, Sei-chan! Bad influence!" She will get up from her seat and place a foot on the table, suddenly a devilish gleam in her bright emerald eyes. "And contain yourself from what? From ravishing Subaru?"_

_Seishirou's smile grows wider. "I can never escape from Hokuto-chan's insight, can I?"_

"_You bet you can't!"_

_They both ignore his pleas for them to stop._

.

He wasn't exactly smoking, he told himself. No, he wasn't.

Smoking was when one put the cigarette between one's lips, lit it with a lighter and then breathing the smoke in before exhaling. He had seen Seishirou do it many times. He wasn't smoking, no.

On the floor beside his bed, there was a brand-new ashtray he had bought just hours before. On the ashtray lay a cigarette, lit. Subaru didn't smoke. He just stared at the smoke rising from the end of cylinder, watching as it spread through his room, its scent diffusing until his room smelt of that particular brand.

Mild Sevens.

Seishirou once asked him to buy the same brand. Trying to save Subaru from his sister's insistence for him to sing, the older man gave him an excuse to get out of the karaoke room. Hokuto hadn't been pleased, but she soon let it go when Seishirou started singing a love song to his ears, the golden eyes never moving from his. Hokuto had howled and laughed, cheering the older man on but he couldn't see what expression his twin was wearing; the smoldering golden eyes were staring at him so intensely he couldn't tear his eyes away from his gaze.

Seishirou always had a distinct scent to him. Most of it attributed to his smoking habit that he could never get rid of. Having the entire room smell of Mild Seven's cigarette smoke made him feel as though the older man was in the room. When he closed his eyes, he wanted to think that he was here, with him, smoking that same cigarette that he was breathing in now.

But there was always something missing.

.

"_Subaru, I'm telling you! Don't pick up on Sei-chan's smoking habit when you move in with him okay? You know how much I hate smoking. It isn't nice to have my own precious baby brother pick up a cigarette. And hey who knows, maybe you'll even get Sei-chan to stop! There! Two birds with one stone!"_

_No one mentioned anything about moving in, he wants to say, but Hokuto isn't listening anymore. She continues massaging the cookie dough, talking animatedly about his potential domestic life._

_He lets her._

.

It didn't take very long to figure out what was missing.

Metallic.

If Subaru managed to smell it, though never recognize it until now, Hokuto must have known. He thought back to the times where she teased the idea of Seishirou being the Sakurazukamori. Had she already known, or was she just joking, and thought the origin of the smell was from his work as the vet?

He preferred to think that it was the latter. He dared not think about his twin already knowing the man's identity but still letting him approach them. Because why would Hokuto even do that?

He dared not think about that.

The rain continued pouring.

.

_He walks hurriedly back to his apartment, his left hand in his pocket, clutching tightly on the pack of cigarettes. His right hand takes out his key shakily, putting it into the slot and opening the door. It's late afternoon and he remembers Hokuto mentioning that she will be out with her new friend to play tennis and that she won't be back until dinner. It doesn't stop him from being paranoid though, because what if her plans are suddenly cancelled and she's back home early?_

_He quickly darts into his apartment, locking it and even latching the door. With big, nervous steps, he enters his room and locks it too. Back against the door, he takes a few seconds to breathe normally before he collapses into a heap. Pulling out the crashed pack, he stares at it._

_He doesn't know why he bought it._

_He doesn't know what tempted him to buy it._

_All he knows is that he was thinking about Seishirou and his gentle and kind smile. _

_Seishirou-san._

_Putting the pack at the spot just above his heart, he closes his eyes and stays that way for a long time._

_When he gets up, it is to put the white box into his drawer and then locking it._

.

A few weeks down the road, Subaru found a solution.

He finished a job early and was heading back home when a black cat leaped right out of the bush he had been passing by to scratch his knee. It wasn't until he reached home and walked by the broken mirror, which he didn't bother changing or even picking up the shattered glass pieces, that he noticed. By that time, the blood had bled through the jeans and Subaru thought that the pair probably couldn't be worn anymore. Hokuto wouldn't have approved. She would have shrieked and thrown them away the moment she saw them.

He decided to keep them anyway.

Subaru sat down with his back against his bed, pulling out the cigarette box and lighter from under his pillow. He took a single cigarette out and lit it before balancing it against the overflowing ashtray. He should probably clear it, but he didn't bother.

He leaned backwards to let the back of his head hit the mattress, closing his eyes as he waited for the familiar scent to spread.

It took approximately ten seconds before his brain fully registered the smell.

He bolted upright. "Seishirou-san?"

His room empty and feeling the sudden adrenaline rush, his hands gripped his knees before a sharp pain shot up his left knee. Bewildered, he glanced down to find his hand sticky and red.

Subaru never treat his wounds after that.

Hokuto would be so angry.

But she wasn't here anymore.

.

It wasn't until a year later when he decided to take a step further.

A lady—who had passed away and had wanted him to take her to her husband's gave—asked him if he smoked. He denied and she frowned, floating around him as her dress fluttered behind her. "But why did you buy cigarettes then?"

He looked down at the newly bought box in his hands before replying that he liked the smell. She didn't question him but he knew fully how strange his answer was.

"Secondhand smoking is more harmful than normal smoking, you know."

Subaru paused before nodding as gratitude for her worry.

When the lady found the gravestone she was looking for, she wept, her translucent back quivering with tears while he stood at the side, not offering any comfort for you, merely standing there. When she was done, she wiped a hand across her wet eyes and smiled gently at him. "Thank you. You're kind."

Subaru visibly flinched, but she was already gone.

Kind?

No.

He was selfish. His Wish was selfish. How could one be kind when one knew his decision would hurt people who cared for him but still refused to change it?

He had changed.

He knew he did.

But now, he wanted a definite proof.

The box of cigarettes crumpled in his grip.

.

The first inhale hurt.

He coughed and wheezed _so_ loud, and _so_ hard, tears gathering in his eyes with each violent cough.

But he was in his room, in his apartment, so thankfully he didn't bother anyone.

Subaru hit his chest with his fist hard, letting out the last painful quake.

He didn't like the taste, the familiar smell. It felt too concentrated, too strong.

But once his fit subsided, he put the cylinder back between his lips and inhaled deeply anyway.

Another coughing fit seized him but he continued trying. Again and again. Until he could finally breathe in the contaminated air without choking.

Hokuto would be angry.

But she wasn't here anymore.

And he wasn't the same kind old Subaru anymore.

He'd change.

He had become selfish.

* * *

**I feel the ending is a little awkward probably because that was when my need of sleep hit me full-force. Ah well.  
**

**Please drop a review if you can!**


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